What is good sex and why are so many of us getting it wrong?

I can’t simply explain what it means to have good sex, but I can hazard a guess as to why so many of us are getting it wrong.

When it comes to what we “should” do in the bedroom, there are so many mixed messages. Porn tells us we should groan and moan and be rather aggressive, some magazines tell us we need to be having multiple orgasms, while some might want us to believe that a longer, harder erection is the key. We all have a goal when it comes to sex, but even having a goal might be distracting us from what’s going on and the pleasures we might otherwise enjoy.

When touched sexually, our bodies will naturally respond, but if our minds are so busy worrying about where the bedroom experience is going, the pleasure pathways from our bodies to our minds might be so distracted that they can’t be tapped into. Simply, that means you might be so worried about lasting longer or giving your partner an orgasm that you are not truly enjoying the here and now: the touching, the caressing and kissing.

There is one simple way to challenge yourself on your sexual goals. Ask yourself what good sex means to you. Is the answer an orgasm or two? Is the answer lasting longer in the bedroom? Is the answer sex that resembles porn? And where does this idea of good sex come from? If I gave you a hint and told you things like intimacy, connection, bonding and fun could create great, fulfilling sex would that change things?

Porn-like sex (that is the longer, harder, faster and kinkier approach) is often aimed for in the bedroom. But when I recently interviewed a couple who both work as adult stars and asked them what the difference is between their on and off screen sex, they explained that looking at their personal sex lives would not be that exciting as it was far more focused on intimacy and connection than what we might see of them on screen.

So, I can’t answer what it means to have good sex – that is up to the individual. But I do implore you to challenge your current views and ask yourselves why you’re striving for a particular ideal, and to make sure you don’t focus solely on an end goal, but also everything that happens in between.