The Sex Conundrum Many Couples Face – Dr Nikki Shop

The Sex Conundrum Many Couples Face

FOR many busy couples, balancing sex and sleep is a problem.

The most common time for people to have sex is at night before we go to sleep, or in the morning just after waking. But by the time you’ve had a long day and finally put your head on the pillow, do you really want to have sex?

Even if you do muster up a bit of sexual energy before bed, the quality of sex might not be that satisfying as either both or one person is tired and “that moment” can be easily lost or hurried along in the bid to get to sleep.

Then there is morning sex, when you often wake up with just enough time to get ready and out the door. Even if you are a morning person and can wake up feeling fresh, there is also exercise and other morning routines to consider. So how much time do you have for sex?

When people complain about not enough sex in a relationship or a low libido, I wonder if there is anything wrong or if they are just struggling with balancing sex and sleep, not having enough energy to enjoy and be present for a good rendezvous.

Even if you are managing to get the mattress moving, could it be better if you felt more energetic and awake?

In order to get that spark back, maybe it’s just a matter of having sex at a different time of day, so you’re not thinking “let’s just get this over with”?

As a solutions focused Sexologist, here are my top five tips for spicing it up.


So no one feels bad for possibly rejecting each other, choose a night/s during the week where no sex is to be had. I know it might sounds boring but having some nights off can help to rekindle the spark (sometimes when it’s not on tap so much you want it more). And with a few nights of solid sleep, there might be an increase in energy and overall satisfaction with sex too.


Is there another time that both suits you that is not before bed or first thing in the morning? This is ideal if you both work from home or shift work, but the 9-5ers will have to choose another option or get creative.


Again, this might be reducing sex in order to get more enjoyment out of it, but wouldn’t it be better if you could get more sleep during the working week and enjoy getting more playtime on the weekends? (And you really can make up for sexless nights during the week in the span of two days.)


Sex at night is sometimes the best option, but right before sleep time can often lead to a lack of effort. Especially if you work and have children, sex before makeup is taken off, showers are had and teeth are brush is ideal.

The kids might be in bed, you both have a little more energy and then the more traditional unwinding before bed activities can commence. It might not give you the most amount of time, but might give you a better mindframe to enjoy it with.


This is still cutting in to sleep time, but can be an option for those who get too tired at night. Once again time might be limited but you can always share a shower later to extend the morning experience.

There is no right and wrong when it comes to having sex and what time of day you should be having it. But if you are struggling a bit in the bedroom, consider if the time of day might be a factor that needs to be changed.

Dr Nikki Goldstein is a sexologist and the author of the book #singlebutdating.